Forgiving yourself allows you to forge ahead with the grace of release. Releasing yourself from behavior you are not proud of will help you to grow in the understanding that who you are in this moment, outweighs what you did in the past.
Celebrate yourself for giving yourself the opportunity to grow and change. Self-forgiveness is internal mercy that allows you to grow and evolve through an evaluation that leads you to a better self.
I vividly remember the day the ENT told us that our son was born without vocal cords. He said it in passing as he felt it was not the biggest of our worries due to the other pressing physical issues our son was battling. I was stunned. I was immediately able to connect the dynamic of a lack of vocal cords with the inability to express his emotions. How would he communicate his thoughts, wants and needs? He was only 6 months old, but this question was pressing within me. I could not ignore it. I felt a fight rise within me. Despite the collapsed airway, hole in his heart, the need for a colostomy, and chronic prematurity to name a few, I was drawn to his inability to call me mommy one day. How could this be? He was missing so much in his little body, but how could he not have the vibration ability to bring forth a voice of clarity? I was completely perplexed. I was oblivious to the fact that this could be his reality. When I desired a child, I never discerned that he could be born without something so vital. I personally never knew how important a voice was to me, until that moment.
I knew that we would use sign language, tablets, technology or whatever we needed him to have for self-expression, but I knew he was supposed to speak out of his mouth without any hindrances. I took up my battle in prayer. I began to hear my son’s voice in my heart while the devil tried to convince me I would never hear him speak in my head. I began to ignore the taunting thoughts of the enemy. It was a daily battle, but I was up for the fight. Throughout the first four months of his life, there were many battles. Some we would meet with an instant victory while others would take years. We determined not to give up. The most important lesson I learned was that our son desired to speak. As he grew into his toddler years, limited in his communication due to the absence of vocal cords and an underdeveloped voice box, he was also limited by a tracheotomy tube in his throat. But his eyes always spoke to me. Through his eyes, I could see a future that did not match his present circumstances. This was enough to spark my belief to higher heights. I could not find a ceiling in trusting God in this area.
It was the worst experience, but the best opportunity. Have you ever had one of those sneak up in your life? We needed change and we were willing to cry out for it, to visualize it, to believe beyond what we could see. By God’s grace, our son, not only speaks, but he communicates as a conversationalist as a bright, healed, near 16-year old. He does not have any limitations in his communication, except that he has spoken in a lower tone as that of an adult throughout the high pitched seasons for most children. We rejoice! Many days we are taken aback and drawn to our knees because we know we experienced a miracle in our lifetime. Like our son, you can come through a season of challenges completely healed! Nothing missing, nothing broken!
Through this fight I learned the power of our voice and the uniqueness in which we speak. God has given us each something to say, and a message to spread. The enemy will always try and mute us and present difficult situations that can drown us in doubt. Each day, I realize that my fight for my son is similar to my devotion as a coach. I will roll up my sleeves so you can find your voice and vindicate yourself from an overwhelming past. It’s time to fight for your voice so you can be heard without being hypersensitive to what others think about you.
I knew that we were coming out and I know that God is calling you to coming out as well. Come out from hiding and hurt. You can escape the fragility of fear and hopelessness. You cannot stand firm if doubt has taken up residence in your bones. What are you called to say in the world or in your life? Where do you need to speak up in your life and for yourself?